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幽默笑話/英文笑話/10 Types of Computer Users



【標題】:10 Types of Computer Users

【簡介】:1. El E.xplicito "I tr...

【正文】:1. El E.xplicito "I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn`t, ya know?"Advantages: Provides interesting communication challanges.Disadvantages: So do chimps.Symptoms: Co.mplete inability to use proper nounsReal Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, "I can`t get what I want!" The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his beltbuckle, and said, "Well, ma`am, you`ve come to the right place."2. Mad Bomber "Well, I hit ALTf6, shiftf8, CNTRLf10, f4, and f9, and now it looks all weird."Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning to.Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 codetoletter ratio in WordPerfectReal Case: One user came in co.mplaining that his WordPerfect document was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he`d set and unset underline more than fifty times in his document.3. Frying Pan/Fire Tactician "It didn`t work with the data set we had, so I fed in my aunt`s recipe for key lime pie."Advantages: Will usually fix error.Disadvantages: `Fix` is defined VERY loosely here.Symptoms: A tendancy to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing them.Real Case: One user co.mplained that their program executed, but didn`t do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that they`d commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, "Well, that was the only way I could get it to compile."4. Shaman "Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile."Advantages: Gives insight into primative mythology.Disadvantages: Few scons are anthropology majors.Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelavent objects.Real Case: One user co.mplained that all information on one of their disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*, they wouldn`t shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the missing information.5. Xuser "Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite impressive, really."Advantages: Using the cuttingedge in graphics technology.Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cuttingedge in graphics technology.Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindnessReal Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they were doing exectly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn`t log in.6. Miracle Worker "But it read a file from it yesterday!" `Sir, at a guess, this disk has been swollowed and regurgitated.` "But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!"Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren`t around.Disadvantages: Pe.ople co.mplain when scons actually use the word `horsepuckey`.Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you`re around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they`ve loaded IBM WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.7. Taskmaster "Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three column format?"Advantages: Bold new challanges.Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendancies to make machines do things they don`t want to do.Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person`s Email address was even though the user didn`t know his target`s home system, account name, or real name.8. Maestro "Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this. . ."Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, "Right, right, okay, but what was the ERROR?", and a strong fondness for the phrase, "Well, I`m getting to that."Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user`s shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they did it (the user was co.mplaining that their document was 87 copies of the same thing).9. Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males) "I need a Mac, and someone`s got the one I like reserved, would you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?"Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other pe.ople on this planet.Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by co.mplaining.Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he (the user) didn`t like it.10. Co.mplete Idiot "Why can`t I copy this 25 megabyte text file onto a 360K floppy disk?"Advantages: Believe anything that you tell them, because they don`t have a clue. Often observed wearing aluminum foil under hat or garlic around neck to ward off evil computer viruses.Disadvantages: Cannot follow directions. Doesn`t grasp si.mple concepts, like the meaning of the word "no."Symptoms: Holding hands under monitor during power failure, hoping to catch letters as they fall off of screen. Also observed playing Van Halen tape in Commodore64 cassette drive, trying to get a transcript of the lyrics. Most likely to have a bottle of white out next to monitor.Real Case: User once wrote program for simulations class that created 25 megabyte output file of every possible way to safely put 8 queens on a chess board, using "*"`s to draw board. Insisted that instructor wanted this printed and handed in. (Instructor only wanted to know the number.) User wouldn`t take the hint when her access to all line printers was revoked after trying to print this file 4 times. Decided to slip it by and print to Diablo 630 daisywheel printer. Result: 14 pages of output and a broken "*" on the printwheel before the file and program were deleted with the permission of the instructor. Fourth year computer science student that couldn`t figure out that in the best case, this file would take 4965 pages (2+ boxes of paper) and 7.6 days to print.Career Path: Gets programming job at Microsoft writing next version of Windows. Gets PhD in Artificial Intelligence, since they lack any natural intelligence. Dies of electrocution using hair dryer in pool, despite safety labels and tags.

【序號】:258

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